I was looking at her so closely, I felt that she didn't care for me anymore. There goes the problem, I was like having the worst time in my life. Not getting enough love, enough attention as much as I supposed to have got. And who decides how much attention should I get? Me, who else! And there goes all the menace - I try to bring her attention back, I try to play all the drama, I even try to hurt myself and then threaten her with my own self torture. All goes in vain, and I wonder why.
I looked through her eyes, and I found that she was desperate for a solution. She normally knows what the solution is - a few kind words with a little of attention. But, she is not ready after all. She too is as sick as I am. She can not take it any more. I saw it in her eyes. Thus goes the spiral of emotional bargaining. I hurt myself, she restrains herself. A marketplace where the spiral of bargaining goes on and on. There is no deal at all. Demand is so high, while supply is almost nil. Highly inelastic, even if I threaten her with the highest price the quantity of consolation does not increase. The bargaining goes on and on, and finally I write a suicidal note and voila I win! I win, because that is the highest price I could bargain for. What did she loose? Nothing but a token of appreciation. And she gained a suicidal note from me.
This mutual exchange of demand and supply created a marketplace. That emotional marketplace is the place waiting for further emotional transactions. There is no broker here, I did not want a broker. We did not want a broker, because no broker is willing to work for free.
There goes the second bargain, similar as before. But it is so easy now, because there is a self established marketplace. I threaten her with a suicidal note and she gives the token of appreciation. It is as if she is already waiting for the suicidal note, she knows that I will do anything for a piece of appreciation. I am getting filled with appreciation, she is getting filled with suicidal notes. By time, I become more and more greedy, I become so bullish for appreciation. But she is a reluctant seller. She doesn't need a suicidal note. She is forced to have one because I am willing to pay a suicidal note. She thinks that there needs to be a broker. While for me, I do not want a broker. So, I threaten her that if she tells anyone about our secret emotional transactions, I will leave another suicidal note.
But you know there are spies everywhere. Well right next to me, even trying to pry on every single transaction. They are wolves dressed like a sheep. They need to enter the market to gain some profit. What profit they are looking for. They want a tiny portion of appreciation that she is willing to give me. And in exchange they are ready to console her. I do not want a broker because of the transaction cost involved. The brokers do not charge me, but they charge her. That causes a delay, I do not want any delay. Time is precious, I am so greedy for appreciation.
The unavoidable brokers have entered the marketplace. They need more and more suicidal notes from me, less and less appreciation for me and thus more and more transaction. They need less and less appreciation for me because appreciation is a scarce resource, and they think that if she gives all the appreciation to me they will be left with nothing. Brokers, ah those brokers! Even leeches are better than them. Because leeches are self proclaimed parasites, while brokers are self proclaimed evangelists.
The broker is sucking her up, it involves a lot of cost for me. Everyday I have to leave with a suicidal note. Brokers being so happy, come to my house to run the marketplace. Holy brokers, everyone on the streets loves them. Brokers even sell the appreciation they have got in the secondary marketplace, and they get even more appreciations. Thus all the gossips in the street starts. I feel inferior, I confine myself in my house. I do not trust anyone and I start even doubting the walls of my own house. Those brokers, they seem to have ruined my life.
She realizes that brokers are not sheep after all, the gossips reaches her, and now she decides to say goodbye to the brokers. She is looking for some other way out. But now there is a recession, I being afraid of the consequences I had to face because of my greed for appreciation, I stop writing suicidal notes. I stop demanding appreciation. The emotional marketplace is under recession. Gossips starts to gear all around. The daily headlines read something like this ''Neighbours say that the house is much peaceful now, emotional marketplace is under recession". There are stories all around, some blame the the brokers, some blame the households, some blame the whole system of marketplaces, some blame the excessive betting by brokerages, some blame the artificial demand created by her, some blame the unlimited suicidal notes written by me that put an inflationary spiral in the system.
Nobody actually knew the answer, some have already predicted this peaceful marketplace long ago. They were called pessimists and were ridiculed by the neighbors. "This fighting, this suicidal notes will go on and on for ever", one of the neighbors said during the emotional boom. Nobody guessed that it was a marketplace created by her. She was the one who restricted the supply of appreciation. She could have appreciated quite easily, it didn't involve much cost. She could have given the appreciation for a smaller cost, like an apology from me, or anything that involved a much lesser emotional cost. The emotional spiral would not have boomed, markets would have been much stable.
So, is she the only scapegoat to be blamed? Off course she has to be blamed for the artificial demand she has created. But, what about the surplus suicidal notes I was writing? What about my greed for appreciation? It is also rational to blame that.
But after all why should we blame anyone? Why we need such a booming marketplace? Is the marketplace absolutely necessary for our survival? I don't think so. It would have been much better to be content with what appreciation I had already got. It would have been better if I restrained myself from being greedy. If my demands were low, if I printed less suicide notes, and if she had been a bit more liberal in appreciation.
P.S. Now she is very liberal in appreciation, because I demand less.
"Wisdom comes from experience and may God save the bulls and bears."